Let’s Play Ball: Whose Team Am I On?

One of my favorite ways to help redirect negative communication is to remind my partner that we are on the same team. Now, my son plays baseball, so follow along with me with this baseball metaphor for this concept. If the husband is on the blue team, and the wife is on the pink, they are competing against each other. With any competition, the goal is to win, which means that one team must then lose. Additionally, when one is competing against another and let’s say the pink team hits a ground ball to the blue team’s 3^rd base player–and they miss it–the pink team celebrates the failure of the blue team.

In a marriage, if half of the couple loses and, consequently, they revel in the failure of their spouse, then the whole marriage is going to lose. Therefore, we must find a way to play on the same team. If we are playing on the same team, however, when one misses a ball, they would cheer them up in the moment, tell them they will get it next time, and move on to the next play. This also means that they would wait until an appropriate time later after the inning is over to help coach them up so they will get it next time.

So why do we always feel it is appropriate to blast our spouse in the middle of the inning, in front of all the fans…?

The advice I give to you is simple, when you are feeling that you are not playing on the same team, ask one question, “What team am I on?” Note, it is not what team are YOU on, it is what team am I on. This is important because it allows your partner to take a second to think about the question and lets them process it without being accused of playing for the wrong team.

Now, it has happened that the partner says “You’re on the other team, I don’t want to be on your team!”… that opens the door for use to be able to call a timeout and know that right now may not be the best time to be speaking to each other. This could be because of something you said or could be something external, no matter the circumstance, if they are not wanting to play on the same team, we need to take a break to cool off. After all if you are butting heads and will never come to a win-win ending, your partner is only seeing ways to beat you right now. After getting a moment to cool off, then see if your partner is willing to join forces on the problem, but until that time, be in prayer. As Proverbs 15:1 (ESV) states, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Let us always remain blessable with our soft words and not harsh to stir anger with our spouse.

Next-step Activities and Questions

• At what level do you know that you can no longer have a functional conversation?
  • How does your partner know that you have gotten to this point?
• Discuss your rules of the Time Out with your partner and practice how you will break away and call time outs if necessary.
  • Key rules to get you started:
    • Once time out is called, no more talking to each other.
    • Whoever calls the time out MUST call it back in.
    • The purpose of time out is to collect thoughts, oftentimes this means making amends before continuing for things that were said that landed out of bounds.
    • Feel free to create your own rules and discuss them with your partner.