Introduction
Healthy communication and conflict resolution are critical elements of any thriving marriage! I know that sometimes it may be hard to find time to communicate with your spouse with the noise that we all deal with in our lives. Kids, work, sports… it all causes stress and increases the likelihood of conflict to arise. However, if we set basic principles of communication and conflict resolution, we can continue to function in the manner that Christ intended.
To start, let me lay the groundwork with some truths about communication:
10 Truths of Communication
- Communication is not accidental; no marriage can survive without communication, and it takes intentionality to accomplish.
- Honesty is required for healthy communication, no matter how hard it may seem.
- The tone of the conversation is often more important than the words said.
- Great conversations require the right questions, spend time knowing the right questions to ask your spouse (We will address this later!).
- The way in which you greet your spouse before communication will set the stage for the conversation.
- It is shown that the more you use curse words in your conversations with anyone (including your spouse), the easier it is to show disrespect to your spouse and others.
- Your vertical relationship and prayer life directly reflects your horizontal communication with your spouse. Treat them both with care, as they are connected!
- Spend adequate time with your spouse, as intimate conversations cannot be rushed.
- Healthy and intentional conversations boost your sex life and heighten intimacy.
- Apologize when you are wrong. All of us have sinned and fallen short, you are no exception.
How to Better Communicate with Your Spouse
James 1:19 speaks heavily to one of the more critical parts of communication:
“… Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”
Our first command is to listen, be slow to speak, and then next to be slow to anger. Our flesh would tell us to respond first, become angry, and then if we wanted to, listen to what they actually said. However, this is not what the command in James has for us.
God calls on us to be set apart and different. This means that we must make empathy, authenticity, and transparency high priorities in conversations. We also must be socially aware of what is being not said as much as what is being said. One of the most vital parts of understanding someone is to hear what they are not saying along with what they are saying. To do this, the speaker must be clear with their words and body language. If you want to be heard with what you say, make sure that your tone, temperance, and tongue all match what your intention is.
The Rules of Communication
When communicating with your spouse, there sometimes needs to be a revisiting of what the rules are that surround healthy communication. This can ensure that each one of you are being respected as an equal partner, each is being valued for what you are saying, and each can be heard fully before the other responds.
The first rule is that when one is the speaker they must be given the space and time to be heard. This means that the listener is just that…a listener… they are not a responder, a critic, an editor, or a fact checker. Their job is to hear what is being said, their time to respond is later. Remember what James says, we must listen more than we speak.
The next is that there is a difference between listening to hear and listening to respond. In school, business, and general life we listen to respond and many of us are very good at it. Listening to respond means that one is actively processing in real time what their response will be to the communication they are hearing. A clue that your spouse is listening to respond is when they cut you off with a rebuttal or defense after only a few words—they heard all they needed to respond to you. However, listening to respond has critical flaws if you intend to hear the heart of the person who is speaking.
Therefore, we must remember to listen to hear first and respond later. When your spouse is listening to hear, their sole intention is to hear all of what is being said, they will process a response, if necessary, after you have finished speaking.
A good way to show that you are listening to hear is to practice active listening skills, such as repeating back in your own words what you have just heard to confirm that what was received is what was sent. This can often start with “What I heard you say is…” and then allow the speaker to confirm that is what was said. Following confirmation, then the hearer can have a chance to respond if they need to. I have found that in my own experience, most of my questions or comments were answered if I just let my wife finish what she was trying to tell me in the first place!
Questions to Enhance Conversation
As I discussed above, knowing the right questions to ask is often one of the best ways to enhance and create healthy communication. Here are some examples of categories and questions that can be asked.
Intentionally, and with honest interest, ask about your spouse’s day:
- How was that *specific* meeting you had today?
- *NOT generic questions such as “How was work?”*
Ask about your husband’s or wife’s mental health:
- What have been the highest and lowest points this month, etc.
- What is the most challenging thing for you right now?
- What is troubling you the most right now?
- How can I support you in this season?
Ask about the future:
- What is one thing you want to be recognized for in life/work/etc.?
- What is one goal we can work to accomplish together?
Ask about your family and childhood:
- Who is the person in your family that you admire most?
- Which person had the biggest impact on you as you grew up?
Conclusion
Remember that it is not always the words you use, but oftentimes it is the questions that you ask that will determine if you have a quality communication. We all must take a solid look at ourselves daily to ensure that we are living in the Spirit and crucifying the flesh (Galatians 5:16 & 24). If we are not taking a look in the mirror every day, how could we ever expect our spouse to do the same?
Next-step Activities and Questions
- What has been your biggest challenge in communication in your marriage
- Think about a time that you have seen communication be highly successful between you and your partner.
- What was the specific element(s) that made it successful?
