When looking at any well-functioning household, the first thing that comes to mind is who does what job within the home and how did they divide that up. I know in my house there are pink jobs and there are blue jobs.
The pink jobs are the ones that my wife does, these include most of the cleaning, cooking, and laundry. Now, before you are quick to critique me and think I am being too traditional. These are jobs my wife prefers and elects to do—she just simply does them better than I do. She see it as, if she wants it right, she does it herself! I help with some of these, but they are primarily jobs for her.
Then there are blue jobs. These are the ones that I get to do. They include the trash, picking up dog poop, fixing broken things, etc. Same with the pink jobs, my wife does some of these too—I am just better suited then she is. I say this because too often we want to throw everything out just because it seems unfair or too “traditional”. However, I am a firm believer that a well-running house has to embrace the unity that comes in utilizing one’s strengths and finding ownership in certain responsibilities.
Scripture has much to say about roles and responsibilities, and we already have an excellent example in the life of Jesus!
Be a servant leader:
Christ was a servant leader, he had the balance of headship and submission, and if we look at Matthew 20:26b-27 (NIV) we read, “…whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave.” Jesus was teaching us to be servants first, and this goes to our roles within the household too.
Marriage is a joint effort that requires each partner to have mutual submission:
Just as my story earlier, everything must be a joint process with mutual submission to one another and to God. This daily act of submission abolishes your flesh’s vain conceit and is a daily reminder of your love for your Lord and for your spouse. Colossians 3:23 (NIV) directs us that “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.”
Seek wise counsel:
Another direction is that we all must be willing to seek wise counsel as we process through different trials and seasons of life. Proverbs 19:20 (NIV) states that we must “Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise.” We are called not to do this life alone, God calls us to do it with one another! Getting the prospective of another can provide a viewpoint that can help to shine a light on a shadow area of yourself that you are otherwise blind to.
Now looking at roles within a marriage, one item has to be first pointed out. Each spouse, man and woman, are of equal value and have an equal role; however, each one is called to different jobs within the marriage. I can address the complementarian versus egalitarian debate in a future blog, but for now, know that this is coming from a lengthy understanding of the debate of Ephesians 5 and from what I would call a progressive complementarian viewpoint.
God set out the order in marriage and family in 1 Corinthians 11:3 when it was stated that “…I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” He intended marriage to be an example of unity but also an example of order. God is a God of order, and as such, one must be head for one to be submissive. This does not mean that women or in any way below or beneath men in power or value, it simply means that men and women have complementary roles to one another.
In my house, when we are making a decision, I always get my wife’s opinion first and I want to hear out what she has to say. After I hear out what she has to say, I can than weigh the options and make an informed decision. This does not mean that I will always take her opinion or mine, but at the end of the road, when a decision has to be made, the husband is the one that is called to make that decision.
Ephesians 5:21-33 first starts with instructions that husband and wife must submit to one another. This is where we both come to an equal footing. Then Paul instructs men that they are to take headship over the home, they are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, care for their wives, and the cost of this responsibility is that husbands are called to lay down their lives for their wives if the situation calls for it (Eph. 5:25). With great responsibility comes great risk, and that is the risk that men are called to make in a marriage, just as Christ laid His life down for the Church, He did so without any second thought, without looking back, and with full knowledge of what He was doing.
Wives are then called to respect their husbands, and to submit to their headship. Again, hear my heart in this, this does not mean that women are supposed to blindly respect all actions and elements of their husband. As Emerson Eggerichs states in his book Love and Respect it is the responsibility of wives of well-intentioned husbands to respect them. If the husband is ill-intentioned, the wife does not have the responsibility to respect those who are not fulfilling their call to be like Christ first.
Scripture also has some direct calls given to both spouses:
- Have a servant’s heart (John 13:12-17)
- Raise your children to know the Lord (Proverbs 22:6)
- Respect church leadership (Hebrews 13:17)
- Respect governmental authority (1 Peter 2:13-16)
So…. With all of this information, what do we do with it?
I am so glad that you asked!
Responsibilities:
I know this doesn’t really help much (but if you keep reading, I will try!), but truly the only ones that can decide what your unique relationship looks like is you! Both spouses must have equal representation in responsibilities around the house and with raising and caring for children. However, equal is not always statistically equal, equal in this sense is wholistically equal as in there is a balance between the big jobs and the little ones. Balance is obtained when no one person has an undue amount of responsibility, even if the other has numerically more items.
The best way to track and avoid the imbalance is to have constant check-ins with your spouse to ensure that responsibility loads are not shifting behind closed doors. Oftentimes the loads will shift and the other partner will be unaware they are holding a much lighter load in the household. This is why scheduling daily, weekly, and monthly check-ins where there is a direct question regarding how each one is feeling about their load is critical. When one skips the check-ins, a small brush fire can quickly turn into a full-on forest fire that takes out your whole relationship in a huge blaze, right in front of your eyes.
Define, DEFINE, DEFINE!
The number one reason for frustration within this topic is due to unmet expectations. To avoid unmet expectations, each partner must feel safe enough with each other to express their desires and expectations. By doing this, each partner is creating healthy boundaries that are supporting their wellbeing well also helping their mate succeed at meeting the goals they have set out. It also helps to create ownership over tasks. When there is ownership over tasks, there is a sense of pride when they are done well. This also prevents items from falling through the cracks when one assumes the other is handling it.
Be willing to help one another!
Just because it is your partner’s responsibility does not mean that you cannot help them from time to time! Galatians 6:2 states that we must be willing to help shoulder others’ burdens and 6:5 tells us that we must do so while also attending to our own personal responsibilities. This means that spouses that work cooperatively actually empower each other. As Ecclesiastes 4:9 (NIV) states, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor.”
Next-step Activities and Questions:
With your partner walk through these questions and comment below if you have anything that may help someone else in the Devoted Marriages community!
- What are the specific responsibilities that you have in your household?
- How were they decided?
- When was your last revisit/check-in regarding them?
When looking at the three items of being a servant leader, seeking wise counsel, and mutual submission:
- Which one do you each struggle the most with?
- Why do you struggle in that specific area?
- How can you take steps to grow in that area?
